Noble Order of Asshole Knights – Join or Serve!

So, I was practicing violin (poorly) from a Mel Bay book I picked up. One of the songs is Gavotte by some fop named Praetorius. Being that I’m about as naturally musical as a coked up bobcat trapped in well full of nettles I needed to hear the bloody thing.

Lo! What wonderfully snooty shit this be.

Here’s what comes to mind from the thumbnail:

Behold wench! Yonder peasant falling!


What luck to have witnessed his falstaff frame thusly collapse!

Yay tis good to be rich! 

Soothe, thou may grab me by the feline!

Say what you will about these fops but at least they had style. If my grandmother is to be believed I have some kind of count in my lineage. But he would have been Polish or Ukrainian or something. So it doesn’t count. =) I’m so fucking clever.

Nonetheless, I’m bringing back feudalism! With the current disparity between rich and poor we’re already there! Why not add some style to the mix.

So what is your choice?! Will you ride forth as part of my Noble Order of Asshole Knights? Or be oppressed most elegantly!

Image result for douchebag knights
Thy Gallant Lords!

I know you yups pay to pick strawberries but won’t actually have your kids do it as a job. Well, I’m here to help.

Being a lettered man and a patron of the symphonies it is my sacred duty to tie you back to the land!

No longer will you wish for agrarian bliss. No longer will you pine!

Your toil will sustain high culture, institutions of learning that will once more take more than a pulse to enter, and wars we won’t lie about.

As Noble Asshole Knights we don’t spread freedom to gain oil. We just take land cause it’s there and we’re probably better stewards than those hippies anyway. Plus its great fun to smack your neighbor!

Yes! Under the Noble Order of Asshole Knights the stars will shine brighter, and your beer will taste better, for you will have worked inordinately hard to sustain douchebags as is the lot of man!

BaronVonDouchebag Esquire III
Baron Von Douchebag ESQ III Pictured in traditional Cheeki Breeki Royal Besocks

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Marching Orders |

Ye Royal Coffers |



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